Whine

[anne_d]

I have gotten myself into a wonderful mental place - Nobody loves me, goddess knows nobody respects me, and everything is my fault anyway.

I'm worried about Kitty, who doesn't care if she fails 9th grade or not. It's all very well to say that I should let her take her lumps, but I'm going to be the one dealing with teachers and summer school and driving her hither and yon.

I'm worried about my parents; my mom is never going to be able to take care of herself again, and my dad... well, I love him, but he isn't fun to be around at all. I never know what's going to set him off. Sometimes it's a matter of not breathing the way he thinks I should. Not that that's anything new, but it makes visiting them very tense.

I'm avoiding people I don't want to talk to, except my mom, because she doesn't have anyone else who will listen to her, either. So I'm her vent.

My sister called on Sunday "just to talk", a phrase which here means "Gretchen talks, and talks and talks about herself while I make noises indicating that I'm listening". I can't deal with her and her issues right now (possibly ever), so I'm being a bad sister and not calling her back. Which makes me feel guilty, because after all, I'm her big sister and I'm supposed to be there for her, not that she's ever been there for me.

The same applies to a friend of ours who lives across town - she keeps sending me plaintive emails wondering when we're going to get together. I'm pretending I didn't get them because her idea of getting together is for her and Paul to talk American Idol, and her husband and Paul to talk work, and me to sit there being the audience.

I go out with a list of errands, the last few of which are for me, and I get tired after the necessary ones and come home without doing my fun errands because there just doesn't seem to be any point.

I get frustrated, so I eat. I get frustrated, so I buy beads and craft supplies I don't need and won't get around to using anyway.

I sure hope this gets better, because right now I don't see any hope of improvement.

At least I can vent here, and in my written journal, which is more a list of chores I got done than anything else.

Comments

[julia-here.livejournal.com]

I think you and I should get together and go TP somebody's house (I have a list of suggestions. A very short list) or possibly just go price antique precious stones, or something.

Julia, in about the same place, although for all sorts of good reasons.

[anne_d]

*Hugs*

TP sounds good. I'll provide the wheels. When and where?

[julia-here.livejournal.com]

Kalamazoo, as soon as we can get the munitions together?

[anne_d]

Let's do it.

[anne_d]

I was thinking - let's swing by Vista on the way, if you don't mind? I've never seen my sister's new house. *evil chortle*

[yorick28.livejournal.com]

When I read this, I was immediately struck by how much of what you described echoes the things I was thinking and feeling in the weeks (months, really) before I finally saw a doctor and was subsequently diagnosed with depression.

I'm not saying that's what's going on with you, of course; I think anyone trying to juggle as much as you are would go through periods of feeling exactly the same way. But it seems to me you've been struggling with these kinds of thoughts and down periods for quite a while now, with very few good stretches to balance it out; that, combined with your trouble sleeping, is the part that sorta worries me. So I do honestly believe it'd be worth your time to talk to a doctor about it.

Anyway. Just throwing my two cents out there. Above all else, please remember you do have people in your life who value and appreciate you just as you are.

Sara

[anne_d]

I was thinking that myself, and I'm going to talk to my doctor next week when I go in for my PAP test.

Thanks, I appreciate your input.

[onjel-b.livejournal.com]

Hey there, Better Half. I don't want to presume, but what you have described is very much like how I was feeling for the last 5 years or so. I finally went to a doctor, got my thyroid checked and discovered that I suffered from hypothyroidism. That particular condition causes and/or contributes to fatigue, depression, malaise and panic attacks. Taking synthroid has been very helpful, as have low dose antidepressants and phyto-estrogen. I do hope you see your doctor and get some advice about what to do. *hugs*

[anne_d]

It's not presuming, it's being a friend. My doctor checked my thyroid last year, I think, but I'll add that to the list of questions for her next week. *Hugs*